Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
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Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.