Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
A friend helps you before you need it
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka