My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Plant care tips
Animal poetry
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to