LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
i will not be silenced
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.