*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.