Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that