I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
CUTE CAT‼︎
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world