Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me buying fruit and veg
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family