Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
You Might Also Like
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
🙋♀️
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats: