“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
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Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”