Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
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The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Had an epiphany today.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice