Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.