My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Hero horse inspires millions
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.