My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Husband of the year 😂
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
The symmetry is uncanny.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!