Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no