FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.