I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
United Steaks of America
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.