When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh