I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.