In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
every single time
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.