LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.