I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
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HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.