Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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I WON A HAM TODAY
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
#SaturdayBears
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.