It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*