Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
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I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.