still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
why no one uses midhusbands
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope