[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.