What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.