Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
You Might Also Like
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one