I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
🤣🤣🤣
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.