Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
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Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”