My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
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Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
At least he brought enough for everyone
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me