a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
peep davidson
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE