“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Bootstraps
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.