*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.