GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics