“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
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[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*