My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”