Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you鈥檙e a corrections officer. you鈥檙e not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
ME: it鈥檚 like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
So fluffy! 馃槏 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Me: How鈥檚 it going?
Coworker: Can鈥檛 complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I鈥檓 starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out