Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
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I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.