Batman v Dracula
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.