Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Room with a view.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*