The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.