I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.