Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If you love someone, let them tweet.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.