Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel