It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
going to the ER y’all need anything
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean