Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
One of the best
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.