You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
just witnessed a drug deal
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too