Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.